A friend cried for me last night. Knowing that someone understands what I’ve been going through, who is witness to the selfless choices and silent sacrifices I’ve had to endure really makes a difference… It makes the pain more bearable.

I still find it a little crazy to think that my life is a repeat of a myth from the past.

And it’s even more so crazy to realize my experiences are so similar to the ones of fictional characters that I grew up with.

How do I know whether I’m brainwashed? My wants, my needs… How do I know these ideas didn’t spawn from the stories I’ve been told?

I really think that somewhere along the way I started to idolize these characters, to become them because it seemed like the natural progression of life, the best way to achieve true happiness. Their goals and dreams became mine. From this, I rested easy knowing I had purpose and direction.

…But yesterday I realized that I share their heartaches too.
Except 7 years away could never be enough. Looks like real life decided to be tougher.

“I’m fighting for love.”

Omitting one word made a world of difference. Yet, the statement still rings just as true.

I’ll try.

I’m going to be away for a while. The next three months to be more accurate. Applied last year to the Forces, was finally offered a position with the Airforce. 7-year contract. Hooboy.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make. Well, the committment part wasn’t the problem. I’ve wanted to join for 3 years now, and the thoughts were in my head long before that. The thing is, back in highschool I didn’t consider it. I just kind of always had the attraction towards it but didn’t acknowledge it. Haha, gosh this sounds like a love confession. Well, it’s out now. And, I figure I need to get a lot more out…

I guess I’ll start with what I meant by the hard part. So I’ve been an insurance broker for 3 months now. Never considered it as a career until my friend invited me to the company. It was tough at first, getting all the knowledge stuffed into my brain 8-12 hours a day for 11 days and then taking the licensing exam. The company was nice and paid us to train but they crammed a 3-month college course into that time. I don’t think I studied harder in my life. But it was my first salary job, my rope to independance. Good pay, benefits, pension, 2 weeks vacation, room for promotion, 9-5 work week, no weekends… The perfect job to be able to put family first. It would be my perfect job. Except… I’m missing a wife and kid(s) in the equation. So when I was presented with the opportunity to make even more money, to travel, to learn even more extraordinary things about the world… Well, how could I say no?

“There’s nothing you should cling to if your heart’s not in your hand.” - Rain by Barefoot

And so I chose to embrace this opportunity. This job didn’t capture my heart, not as it is now. Hence, I will let the currents carry me until I lay eyes on a land I wish to live on.

[Confession] I’ve felt guilty all my life. Of not being a good person, not being of much worth. It’s been one experience after another where I feel like I don’t give enough. Then again, I too have experiences where I give too much and the other person(s) are overwhelmed. I try hard, but I feel like I am constantly failing. I often dream I am not strong enough to be a good thing for someone. And well, I don’t know how else to make these nightmares go away. The CF is the only solution that comes to mind. If I become strong in my waking life, then I wouldn’t suffer from these detrimental thoughts, right? [/confession]

There are some obstacles that will always be a challenge, that will always be in my way. But if I can overcome everything else then they will be small percentages weighing against my successes, fractions to forget… Right?

There’ve been a lot of things from the past that’ve been pushing me forward. I’ve always had a strong sense of direction, but now I’m not so sure whether some of those things are slowly helping me get to where I want to go, or are slowing me down…